How to thank the computer department!

This page contain 27 commands to be distributed among all computer users in a big or small scale company having a computer department “support” service.

The following text gives an outline of some ways you can deal with computer department operators without annoying them at all ;-)

I don’t know who wrote it or translated it, but I hope I am not violating any copyright laws just by publishing it. If you know anything about it, please e-mail me !

1. When you call the Computer Department for help, make sure that your computer is buried under half a ton of photos of your baby, teddy-bears, dried flowers and your children’s school drawings.

2. Don’t ever write something down. Never ! We can turn the time back and see what error messages were given by the computer.

3. When someone from the C.D. (Computer Department) tells you that he is on his way to your place, you decide to go out for a cup of coffee. So you are not around when your password is needed. Remembering 500 user codes, for us, is a piece of cake !

4. When you call for help, tell us what you want to do and not what prevents you from doing so. We are interested in that you want to open the file of a customer’s orders for a given time period and for a given list of products. We are not at all interested to know why you cannot turn on your PC !

5. When you receive a very important e-mail from the C.D., delete it immediately. We have just decided to perform some checks.

6. When someone from the C.D. has something to eat on his desk, rush up to him and ask for anything you want. We live only to serve you !

7. If the photocopying machine doesn’t work, call the C.D., it’s full of electronic circuits, too, anyway.

8. If your computer or some peripheral unit at home doesn’t work, call the C.D. guys, we will fix it remotely !

9. When you have an old computer you want to get rid of, call us. We are collectors !

10. Don’t tell us what the problem with your computer is, over the phone. We just love traveling and solving riddles on the spot !

11. If someone from the C.D. tells you that there isn’t a cassette playing in your screen, don’t believe him, try to convince him that he is wrong and you are right. A good discussion is always constructive.

12. When a member of the C.D. staff tells you that he is going to be there soon, ask him rudely : “How many weeks is soon enough for you?” This will definitely inspire us !

13. When the printer doesn’t work, try sending in your print command at least 20 times. You see, printouts often get lost in black holes !

14. If your printer insists on not working after the 20^th attempt, please send your work to the remaining 50 printers of the company. One of them is bound to work, anyway !

15. Don’t ever learn the correct technical term for something.We know exactly what you mean by saying : “my THING ! doesn’t work”.

16. Don’t use help programs. This sort of thing is for the brainless.

17. If the mouse lead keeps knocking over your dog’s favourite picture, lift your computer and bury the lead underneath. These leads have been designed to work perfectly under a load of 25 kilos on top of them.

18. If “Enter” command doesn’t work, blame it on the last upgrade you have done to your equipment. Keyboards are generally happy with a pound of breadcrumbs and a load of clipped nails inside them!

19. If you see the message “Are you sure?”, press “Yes” as fast as you can. The fastest the better !!! What the hell, would you ever do something you don’t want to do?

20. When you see someone from the C.D. talking to his bank manager on the phone, sit in front of him without being invited and keep staring at him until he hangs up. Besides, we don’t have enough money to spend it around calling the bank, too, do we?

21. Don’t feel restrained to use insulting expressions such as : “I have no idea about this computer garbage”. We are not insulted either when you use the term “garbage” to describe our field of work.

22. Every time you need to change toner or ink-tape in a printer, call the C.D. It is about a very complicated and extremely dangerous procedure, and Hewlett Packard, IBM and other companies recommend that you call in professional technicians with PhDs in nuclear physics to deal with this kind of problem.

23. When you have a problem, tell someone else to call the C.D. people. It is very challenging for us to try to communicate through a third party who has no idea what he is talking about.

24. If you are sent a huge file containing Lotus Notes send it, in turn, to everyone else you know. Your e-mail server has infinite space and will just be delighted to accommodate you.

25. Don’t ever think of breaking down a huge print job into smaller pieces. In this way you might even give somebody else the chance to print a tiny memo in between your documents.

26. If you bump into somebody from the C.D. in the local supermarket, ask him quickly about a possible update of your system at home, scheduled for next semester.

27. Keep it crashing !!!

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